The Wilds of Grief

Sometimes we may think we understand things. But that is the operative word: think. We can read all the books and articles and listen to podcasts and lectures and attend workshops and trainings, but it will still fall short of lived experience. This is the case with grief. Until you have actually experienced a loss, you likely will not fully understand the holistic impact that grief can have on one’s life. 

I do not wish for anyone to experience loss, be it death or non-death. But, as we quickly learn, it is an inevitable aspect of being human, and opening ourselves up to this truth can help us navigate the wilderness of grief. We will often feel very alone in the midst of this wilderness, and sometimes we actually will be. This is the product of others not fully understanding our loss, because they have not experienced it like we have. Yes, we may lose the same friend, family member or pet, but that does not mean the impact of grief will be exactly the same. 

Grief uniquely manifests within people’s lives. It is reflective of the bond we had and continue to have with the person or thing we lost. This is why certain platitudes often seem quite hollow and fail to comfort the bereaved. You can probably recall saying or receiving some of these:

“I understand what you’re going through”

“They’re in a better place”

“Everything happens for a reason”

“You’ll get over it”

“You seem to be doing better”

To be clear, offering platitudes also shows our humanness. It is natural to want to alleviate the suffering of those we care about and love. What we need to understand is that there is a different way, and it may feel very counterintuitive at first. That way is to simply just be with those who are suffering vs. trying to do something about it (i.e. explain it away). Sometimes, a silent compassionate presence is the most restorative thing for the bereaved (see attached video from Megan Devine). The silence creates a container for one’s suffering to exist in for a time, without shaming or judgment. In the midst of our grief journey’s we will benefit from spaces where we sense that it is OK for us to not be OK, and, in the words of Kate Bowler, be reminded that:

a) You are loved

b) Life is absurd

c) You are human

Notes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE&t=107s (Megan Devine)

https://katebowler.com/what-not-to-say-resources/ (Kate Bowler)

No Cure for Being Human, by Kate Bowler

Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash