New Year, New What?
It’s mid January, and perhaps there is genuine momentum around change from the new year being rung in so recently, as there can be for some. But often the desire for change heralded by the new year comes from outside influences that fuel a keenly felt pressure to suddenly bring sudden improvement to longstanding issues in yourself and your life. This societal pattern of expecting resolutions themselves to be instigators of change falls into line with modernity’s idea of humans as primarily rational creatures, and the subsequent idea that we can think our way to a transformed life. If I can want it enough, and have enough will power, I will no longer do/say/think/feel x, so the thinking goes. This is certainly true some of the time; noticing what isn’t working in our lives and paying attention to inner desires and dissatisfactions, and taking actionable steps are part of growth. Setting goals in life and in therapy is how we establish focus and direction. However, when we think only in terms of mental activity and changing surface behaviours by sheer will power alone, we miss out on a treasure trove of healing that comes from allowing space for deeper work.
Perhaps by this point whatever excitement or energy there was around enacting change has already started to grow cold. When a resolution isn’t enough to make change happen, what happens next? Often there are parts of us that experience (or re-experience) shame, guilt or feel less worthy because we weren’t able to be different, better, healthier, etc. How do we then cope with those feelings? Often behaviours sneak in to manage the shame, and fuel patterns that leave us feeling worse.
What if the whole self was allowed into the change process? What if slow growth was expected instead of the pressure to change now? Trauma informed and attachment focused approaches in therapy allow space for the slow work of recognizing and being with the emotions, deeper desires and wounds that often are roots of our present behaviours and thoughts. The hope is to open space to understand ourselves with compassion, and understand why some parts of us act the way they do; and for the parts of us that carry wounds to find peace and security, a place that change tends to flow naturally from.
Instead of shaming yourself for not achieving your resolutions, what if you could take a moment and speak to yourself the way you might speak to a beloved child in your life, or a friend. This could look like: validating the desire for change is well-meaning; noticing where the pressures to change and grow come from for you, and see if you can step back from those for a moment to get in touch with your own desire for change; seeing what emotions and thoughts you notice inside as you check in with yourself as this point in the new year regarding change in your life. Whatever is arising for you, could that be noticed with even a little more curiosity and compassion? Could barriers could be befriended, instead of shamed?
This work is understandably hard to do alone; shame runs deep, and is reinforced by a forward focused, success driven and appearance oriented world. If this kind of reflection only leaves you feeling stuck or down, this can be a signal to reach for support. An attachment focus reinforces that we are meant to heal in connection with others; not only is this not a reflection of weakness, it matches our neuro-biology and humanity.
Notes