The gift of validation

The Gift of Validation

What are you noticing within your system as we approach the holiday season? Perhaps there is some anticipation of extended time and space to more intentionally relax and connect with loved ones. There may also be some trepidation about what those relational dynamics may look and feel like. Grief in its many forms can manifest as well. Whatever you notice, before, during and after the season, know that all of it is welcome. You do not have to feel a certain way around the holidays, even though there may be expectations (familial and societal) to do so. You have a choice.

One of the most meaningful gifts we can choose to give ourselves is the gift of validation. And it is not one that has to be wrapped up with fancy paper and an elaborate bow on top. It can actually be a simple (if you’re anything like me, it will be a poorly wrapped gift!), yet profound offering to our system and the parts (any thought, emotion, or physical sensation) that reside within it. Validation has a calming effect on amplified parts. It is like a compassionate witness is taking the time to listen to their story without judgment. As parts feel listened to, they soften in their protective roles (i.e. they realize that they do not have to work so hard), and this opens up more space for restorative energy (compassion, curiousity, calm, clarity, connected, courage, confidence, creativity, choice) within our system.

Can you recall a time that you received validation from someone and the effect it had? Even for a moment, you likely felt some sense of deeper connection (safety, calm, belonging, love, appreciation, acceptance). How different might the holiday season be if we set an intention to offer validation to ourselves and to those around us? I do not mean this to sound like an easy process, as there are vital things that must be considered, like the weight of trauma and grief that parts carry. 

My invitation is to start with simply noticing and acknowledging what is happening within your system (see below for guidance through this process). You can be encouraged that this in itself is a compassionate act. In doing so you are offering parts a seat at the table, and they, maybe for the first time, get to experience the restorative warmth of welcome.

Getting to Know Parts

1. FIND THE PART inside or around the  body: Notice how it manifests (thought, emotion, physical sensation, image)

· Where do you find it in or around your body?

· How does that part of you show up?

· Notice the part of you that thinks that way and follow that train of thought

· How do you sense it?

2. FOCUS ON THE PART

· Stay with it and notice what it’s like. Are there any words that go with it?

· Focus your attention on however you’re experiencing it

· Can you describe it?

3. FLESH OUT THE PART: Find out its (origin) story and function. Ask that part

· What it wants you to know about it

· What it wants you to do and not do

· What it wants for you (i.e. it’s desire for your life)

· How it is feeling and why it is upset

· To show you what it does for you – it’s function/job

Notes:

Photo by Kira auf der Heide on Unsplash

For more on Internal Family Systems check out:

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz