The restorative power of saying "No"

“In order to heal, it is essential to gather the strength to think negatively. Negative thinking is not a doleful, pessimistic view that masquerades as “realism.” Rather, it is a willingness to consider what is not working. What is not in balance? What have I ignored? What is my body saying no to? Without these questions, the stresses responsible for our lack of balance will remain hidden.”

― Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No

Take a moment to consider what the prospect of saying “No” cues within your system. Perhaps there are some parts that feel uneasy about doing so. They may worry about potential consequences (i.e. inciting conflict with others, which could to rejection; limiting present and future opportunities in life; impact on the well-being of others, such as in caregiving relationships; impact on your own wellbeing, including being physically/emotionally harmed for setting limits). Whatever the particular concern, these parts view saying “No” as something negative. Conversely, saying “Yes” becomes a means of proactively mitigating the pain attached to consequences. Think of it as a survival strategy for navigating life. 

It should be stated that these parts and others are often quite justified in their perspectives and they possess an honest intent for doing what they are doing. It’s just that their concerns have escalated to a place where the energy impacts on one’s overall quality of life. When this occurs, often over a number of years, the body will start to say “No” for the person in different ways. If these messages from the body are not responded to accordingly, suffering will increase.

The invitation, as Gabor Maté outlines in his book, “When the Body Says No,” is to respond with a sense of curiousity and compassion to the body’s signals. This is an essential aspect of the healing process for burdened systems. Saying “No” can help to restore harmony within the system. It relieves the pressure felt by intensely protective parts and frees up the energy they use for other, more restorative practices. Of course, we will still stay “Yes” to things in our lives, but we will do so using a sense of discernment. We will commit to things not out of obligation (i.e. “I have to” or “I should”) but because we want to. This shift in perspective takes time, as well as a safe and supportive environment, but as we commit to compassionately witnessing protective parts in their respective roles, we will find that freedom starts to increase within our system. We will be able to say “Yes” or “No” with greater ease, because the burden of fear will have been released. This is my hope for you and your system.

Notes

"When the Body Says No" by Gabor Mate

Photo by René Molenkamp on Unsplash