Boundaries: the Power of No and Yes

Boundaries is a common word nowadays, so much so that many people in or outside of the therapy world may be familiar with this concept. This is for good reason, as recognizing one's existing boundaries, and developing healthier ones, can be life changing. Exploring your boundaries can begin with a question or two: where do I end and you begin? What is mine to do here, and what is the other person’s? Developing clarity about what is our responsibility and work, and what is not, can be difficult and very freeing. This can pertain to all areas of life, including but not exclusive to our emotional, physical, psychological and financial realities.

The concept of boundaries has received valid criticisms for encouraging a culture of individualism: after all, we don’t exist as islands; we do need each other. Rooting an exploration of our boundaries in the reality of our interconnectedness can bring balance. Activist, author and therapist Prentis Hemphill describes boundaries as “the place where I can best love you and me, simultaneously.” (note 1) Boundaries help us know who we are and what we need, so we can be in relationship, not so we can emphasize separateness. Sometimes the most loving thing is to say no and have more distance in a relationship, or perhaps it is to have certain lines drawn so we can show up feeling safe and authentically ourselves.

Growth in the area of boundaries can also be supported by a compassionate, curious approach. As we come to better understand our current boundaries, having some understanding for the reasons that those boundaries may have been helpful at the time, can help us move forward with a growth mindset, rather than heaping shame on our past selves. Many of us learn to over-help and over serve, to loan money and not ask for it back, or to take on other peoples’ problems as our own, to name a few examples. These behaviours develop in the context of relationship, and we do them because they partially work, helping us feel more connected to other people, to feel worthy, needed and enough. None of these are wrong, but over time, the realization may surface that maybe these behaviours aren’t helpful in the long run, and they might be part of what is leading to emptiness, exhaustion and confusion about what is yours and what is someone else’s to deal with.

Working with a therapist or on your own to consider your formation and what your default boundaries are, and whether they are still serving you, can be freeing. Learning to say key no’s so you can say more whole hearted yes’s can likewise help you channel your limited life energy into what fills you and makes you feel centred and connected.

Notes

"What it takes to heal" by Prentis Hemphill

Photo by Florian Schmetz on Unsplash