The Dance of Anger

Relationships can be frustrating. There can be a lot of frustration in a relationship and often times in a cycle of frustration people begin to try and understand what is happening.

One of the most popular books about dynamics in relationships related to anger is the book, The Dance of Anger, by Harriett Lerner. The author summarizes that anger is like a dance in a relationship and describes concepts around anger.

First, she says anger is a signal that something is wrong in a relationship. Anger signals that something is off.

Second, she says that people often suppress anger and express it indirect ways in a relationship. This indirect anger can be called passive aggressive behaviour.

Third, she says that this anger cycle is similar to a dance where each partner keeps doing the same pattern and it together reinforces the same dance move in the relationship. The underlying anger is not shifted and the dance is repetitive  and doesn't develop new dance moves. 

The book then is about how to change the dance moves and how to speak up for underlying anger in productive ways. 

The book was originally written in 1985 to women in relationships and focused on helping women feel empowered to speak up for their feelings in relationship. There have been many variations of the book published since then and the concepts in the book resonate around ways of shifting patterns in a relationship. Shifting patterns helps to alleviate resentment and anger because cycles shift leading to greater connection. 

Harriett Lerner writes, "Our challenge is to listen to the message our anger is sending and to respond in a way that is respectful of ourselves and others."

Anger is a signal that something is off. Perhaps you feel some deep frustration and want to shift some cycles in your relationship.

Reach out today to get connected with a couples therapist.

Resources:

The Dance of Anger by Harriett Lerner

Why won't you apologize? by Harriett Lerner